It's 2012 and I've been thinking.

It's two thousand and twelve and I've been thinking a lot about the new year and new decisions and ideas and new experiences I want to have. It's two thousand and twelve and I've been thinking a lot about last year and the accomplishments, challenges, and changes it brought and how those experiences carry with me into this new year. It's two thousand and twelve and I've been thinking a lot about this blog and how it hasn't seemed to really fit into my life and whether I want it to fit into my life and what would need to change in order for it to fit into my life (if I want it to).

You see, lately this blog has felt a lot like a chore and I don't like chores and especially in the last 6 months I've been particularly good at avoiding this chore. I've had moments where I want to just delete the whole thing, to not post bits and pieces of my life for all to see. But something stops me from throwing in the towel. And that something that stops me is the other blogs that I read, the inspiration of their ideas, the power of their thoughts and the vulnerability of their emotions, and the general idea of being connected to other peoples' worlds through even the mundane aspects of life. And to be honest, I really love and hate that connection all at the same time. I hate it because it's not tangible or personable, it's not words spoken between friends. I hate it because in ways it reminds me of the lack of (geographically) close friends I have, and the difficulty of building a new support network. But, I love it because it facilitates "knowing" new friends and staying connected to old friends (and family) when time is short and space is great. I love it because it gives voice to my thoughts and provides a record of my experiences. I love it and I hate it and it is two thousand and twelve and I'm still thinking about how to resolve those two feelings.

So, I'm not going to promise anything. I'm not going to make any grand resolution to blog more. I'm only going to try to be more honest with myself about how I can use this format to stay connected but not feel empty at the same time. It's two thousand and twelve, a new year, and I'm going to keep thinking.

surviving unemployment.

If you can call watching more episodes of Friday Night Lights then I care to admit surviving unemployment, then, people, I am surviving.

Seriously though. Let me tell you, and not that this is really any unknown news, but unemployment is hard and it is draining and I am discouraged. Because every time I re-write my cover letter and email it off to yet another job, I feel a twinge of hope. Like, maybe this is the one. I think to myself this job sounds so much more interesting than all the ones I've applied to before it. But, then coupled with this twinge of hope, are other thoughts. Because even though this is the best job out there, I need to find something wrong with it, so I can be okay when I don't get a second interview or I don't even hear back from the organization at all. This, friends, is self-preservation. And, I'm okay with it. Because it's allowing me to survive unemployment.

As with most of life's challenges, some days are harder than others. And, on those days in particular, it's a good idea to make cheesy jalapeno beer bread,

or chocolate pie.

Because on those hard days, it seems like I'm not just unemployed, but I'm unemployable.

And then the self-esteem mantras have to make an appearance. You have skills. You have relevant work experience. You have two masters. You are employable.

So, in an attempt at more than just survival and to keep myself from talking to Nora like she's my co-worker, I'm making a grand to-do list. And, I'm posting it here for all to see.

1. Get a job.

2. Read more: Books to finish-Trauma Stewardship by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky, 7th Harry Potter, and Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein. Books to start: Bossypants by Tina Fey and the Hunger Games series.

3. Get outside at least once a day

4. Sew something with stuff I already have

5. Take a class (the Jewish Community Center we joined has lots of free ones)

6. Plan housewarming party

7. Get a CA license

8. Each week send someone a card

9. Keep the apartment clean (You would think someone that spends all day at home could do a little more than their share of this, but motivation in this area is sorely lacking!)

10. Use one of my graduation presents and get a massage

11. Make a food budget (It's so hard to limit, now that we're back in SF)

12. Make 4 more coasters (i.e. getting creative with the ikea catalog, they look like this)

13. Keep up the exercising. Two classes that I've been taking that I really love are cycle sculpt (cycling with the addition of a weight workout) and bollywood dancing (love it!)

14. Create/find a mail organizing system that actually works

15. Blog 2-3 times per week.

On a totally unrelated note, is this dress cute or have I been unemployed too long? I feel as though it could have a number of ill-fitting issues.

source

Also, if you have any positive advice, encouragement, or to-do suggestions, feel free to comment or send them my way.

It All Ends.

Happy Harry Potter 7.2 Day!

Perhaps you should celebrate with a little butterbeer?

I found this recipe through foodgawker, and I thought the slushy aspect of it was quite refreshing.

It's easy to make and tastes amazing, I didn't make any changes to the original recipe.

We are going to a 9pm show of the movie tonight with some friends. It's probably slightly pathetic how excited I am about seeing it, but I will remain strong in my fan dedication. I'm also a little sad about the series coming to a true end...am I alone in my feelings? Anyone, anyone?

saying goodbye and hello.

It all seemed to end rather quickly. One minute I am a grad student living in Denver and the next I am an unemployed graduate living in San Francisco. What happened? Where did the last two years go? How did I finish school so quickly? Am I really prepared for life after graduate school?

It feels somewhat strange being back in SF with nothing to do, no schedule to follow, no greater purpose than editing my cover letter over and over again and organizing our apartment life into 850 square feet of space. When I left Denver, I didn't really say goodbye. I focused on the things that had made me slightly bitter about living there: the oblivious/reckless drivers, the lack of good (& cheap) food, and the overabundance of sports bars and the type of people that frequent them. But, Denver was more than that to me. It was the place of our first home. It was a place of re-discovering academia, of learning more about the world around me and how I fit into it. It was the place that we adopted our first pet. And it was the place that I reconnected with old friends and met new ones along the way. Denver may not be my ideal home, but I'm glad I lived there. I'm glad that in many ways it was the right fit for where I was in life (let's not forget cheap rent is a huge plus for poor students and newlyweds) and for that I am thankful. Saying goodbye is not easy, especially when there are so many mixed emotions that are attached to it. One of my professors said that saying goodbye is a mixture of grief and relief, and I like that definition. It fits.

And now I find myself back in San Francisco. I'll admit I was worried about whether it could live up to the expectations that had been building in my head over the last two years I was away. I was (and still very much am) worried about finding a job in a market that has a rather large supply of qualified non-profit professionals. But, I am really happy (minus the no job thing, because that's a whole other post in and of itself).

I'm home. So, hello, golden gate bridge that suspends so gracefully. Hello, eucalyptus trees in the park and cheap nail salons on every corner and food that is flavorful and spicy. Hello, muni with your plethora of interesting people. And, hello, friends and family that I've missed so much. Hello, city that I love. I'm excited to get reacquainted again.

It's not just about the coffee,

although sometimes it feels like it is.

When I was in Seattle, I felt little pieces of the place I have longed for this past year. And, although San Francisco is that place in the back of my head, what I want might be broader than SF's 7 miles x 7 miles of gorgeous space. Maybe I should have known going into it, or perhaps I should have been more perceptive over the last 12 months, but Denver will never be good enough because I don't want it to be good enough. That sounds harsh, but like the age old break-up phrase, "It's not you, it's me."

I've gone through phase after phase where I have tried to have a more positive outlook. I look for and acknowledge the things I do love about Denver (the sunshine, the parks, that biscuit place down the street), but there's always a driver, yes, a person driving a car, that near tries to run me off the road (whether I'm biking or walking) and all my anger and resentment floods right back in. He or she makes me want to scream expletives, running to board the next flight out of here. I could rant and rave about the times I've come far too close to losing my precious life at the hands of a man that doesn't seem to understand the most basics of road rules. It seems nothing can make me lose my mind as fast as a Denver driver. But, then again, I know I'd never make it running to the airport. It's so far away, I'd pass out dead in the wasteland before I could get there.

But it's more than the driver that ticks me off. In fact, the driver is more of a scapegoat for me than anything. See, what San Francisco did to me wasn't turn me into a city girl (although it did that too), it turned me into a different person. And, that different person collides against a lot of things here in Denver (hopefully, it's never those drivers, right?). My perspective on social justice and faith and contentious hot-topic issues just don't seem to be able to play out as easily. A conflict of ideologies shouldn't have an affect on whether I like a place, but as shallow as it seems, it does. The coffee, the food, and the take-a-stand pedestrians and cyclists all blanket this place I think of as home. They blanket thoughts and perspectives, and standards and beliefs. And above all, they represent a broader spectrum of livelihoods, cultures, and diversity. A richness that is, in my opinion, severely lacking in cities and towns across the U.S.

San Francisco's not perfect, but it captured my heart. And, it's hard to parcel any of it out to other places. But what's harder is trying to figure out what it is that I'm really missing and hoping in the future I will have it once again. I may not be able to completely put my finger on that something that I feel is missing, but I think I'll know it when I experience it. Until then, I may have to continue my critique of the superficial. "The coffee is just so much better in the Northwest." It's not really fair, especially for Denver friends that I'm sure have had to resist the urge to tape my mouth shut when I can't stop complaining. I just know when some place, or something, or someone's story resonates, it can leave a lasting impression. One that is hard to forget. And, one that is longed for in order to feel that closeness again. To feel known and accepted.

{This post took me 9 days to write! If only the actual quality of writing could have improved in that time}

i might have eaten four cupcakes yesterday.

but, they were SO good. hmm..peach cupcakes with brown sugar cream cheese frosting.

Acknowledgement is always the first step to recovery.

Hi, my name is CG and I have a celebrity crush on Zac Efron.


I know, I know, it's embarassing. I mean, I'm 25 years old, not 12! Anyway, my fiance has now become my enabler, because he took me to go see Zac's (yes, we're on a first name basis) latest movie last night.



(photo credit: www.newfulllengthmovies.com)


I know, I know, it's absolutely ridiculous that we spent $22 (+ embezzled snacks) for the two of us to see 17 Again. We both knew going into it that it was lacking in plot and was most likely going to be two hours of horrifyingly, mushy-gushy teen drama. But, I went anyway, willingly; excited even.

And...I admit I liked it. It met all poor expectations, but at the same time it succeeded in having funny moments (no, really, parts were actually funny). I couldn't help but wish just a little bit that I were back in high school watching this movie on a lame friday night with heather and mary kay.

I'm not proud of my celebrity crush, but like I said earlier, acknowledgement is the first step to recovery. Right?