She's here and we're already 6 weeks in.

Well, we've made it one full month and a half. Baby girl made her way into the world in her own perfect way, planned and without having to change positions from being breech. Having a cesarean was not the birth that I had imagined. I tried everything possible to encourage baby to turn during those last few weeks of pregnancy. Chiropractic care. Acupuncture. Moxibustion. Inversions. Cold packs on the top of my stomach. I felt anxiety building as each passing day she stayed put, head near my heart. Knowing what I do now, baby girl didn't have enough room to turn. She was stuck in her position to no fault of her own. There's some relief in that, as well as some frustration that I put so much pressure on myself to try to change what wouldn't have changed.

Going into the c-section, I was worried that it would be a cold and distant birth, that I would feel disconnected in the sterile environment of the operating room. I so wanted to play an active role in her arrival and I felt as if I had been robbed of that. But, I was wrong. Yes, the operating room wasn't the coziest of places. There were bright lights and medical staff in plenty. But, my body had amazingly and protectively held baby girl for nine months. During that time, she flourished. She developed rapidly. And, then my body gave birth to her. No one could steal that from me. No matter the way she would have come, I would have played an active role.

I feel grateful to the surgical team that performed the operation and in particular to the attending physician that was willing to fudge some typical protocol to allow for a more natural and family-centered cesarean. I felt listened to and advocated for.

As I laid on the operating table, numb and tingling, I practically held my breath waiting for her first cry. I was scared, excited, and anxious. There were lots of 'what ifs' racing through my mind. Then, in a single moment at 10:03am, the world received a new inhabitant, our family received a new member, and my heart chiseled out a new space just for her. They placed her on my chest. I could barely see her through my tears, but I knew that she was beautiful. And while the gore of surgery resumed on one side of the blue curtain, three people were introduced to their new journey on the other.

And now here I am six weeks into motherhood, still fumbling in the dark most times, but fully committed to this little being that gifted me this new role.