5 things I wish people knew about domestic violence.

1. Domestic violence (DV) is not about anger. It isn't about "losing control." In fact, quite the opposite, an abuser is almost always in control, purposefully (perhaps subconsciously, but still purposefully) acting in ways to belittle their victim. DV is about power and control. It is a perverted and twisted understanding of an intimate relationship, one in which an abuser utilizes a repertoire of tactics (not just physical) to achieve this goal.

2. Along those lines, DV is not just physical abuse. In fact, through the use of threats, constant verbal berating, or economic manipulation, physical violence may never be "needed" by an abuser to get what they want (again, they want power and control).

3. 25 % of all women in the U.S. will at some point in their life experience a domestic violence relationship. 1/4th of the female population is affected by this! 1/4th!! And, it affects women everywhere. It is not contained to a specific age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic group, religion, sexual orientation, or educational background. And something that impacts 25% of all women is a raging epidemic that needs to be stopped.

4. The age old phrase "It takes two to fight" does not apply to abusive relationships. However, many victims are made to feel as though what goes wrong in the relationship is their fault. They are made to feel that if they just tried harder to ____ (be a good wife, stand up for themselves, be understanding, explain themselves better, etc.), the abuse would not happen. There is nothing a victim can do to stop an abuser from being abusive.

5. If you ask the question, "Why doesn't she just leave him?" to a person informed on the dynamics of DV, be prepared to hear the longest answer of your life or be prepared to receive the stink eye, the deepest of sighs, and to be left standing there alone (DV advocates & counselors aren't perfect, people, and if you had to answer this question for the umpteenth time, this would likely be your response too). Now, for an abbreviated version of an answer to this question, I suggest looking here. It's way more concise than I could ever be.

**If you or someone you know is suffering from an abusive relationship, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence can be a great a resource. It is never okay for an intimate partner to harm you (no matter what excuse is given to condone the behavior), and there is help out there.