Tuesday night, Micah and I whispered the secret password "futz" and gained entry into the upscale, prohibition-era bar Bourbon & Branch. With the low lighting hovering over us I felt as though I was lurking in the shadows, but it was definitely a classy joint. However, the classiness of the place was probably somewhat lessened by my sudden and uncontrollable stream of tears that started to flow. Even two days later, I'm still not sure what happened. Micah was reminiscing a host of san francisco memories and then the lump swelled up in my throat and the hot tears started pouring. It was almost like I was having a "break-up" conversation with the city. I heard the city tell me all the good and bad times we'd been through together. "We've been through so much, don't leave me now." "We'll make it through the changes, we can make it work." I silently contested. I assured the city it was me, not her. That I needed the space to spread my wings and see if I could fly, without her guidance and without her security. I needed to have an adventure.
All the while this dialogue is playing in my head, the tears are flowing and Micah has NO idea why on earth his fiancee is having a volatile reaction to "remembering the good ole times."
And even as I write this post, the hot tears are welling back up. I can feel them and I can't stop them. San Francisco, I heart you.
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Now, let me switch gears a little. Let me tell you that it's not just the sad emotions that happen, but it's the happy ones; and the combination of the two (or more) is what makes life and living life so complex. At times it makes me feel bi-polar. I'm up, I'm down; I'm up, I'm down.
Wednesday, after another "last" (you know, it's my last drink, my last day, my last straw), I met up with Micah to get our marriage license. It was actually a jolting switch from my last day at court with my clients (restraining order hearings) to stepping into the hallowed halls of the City to obtain our license to wed.
AND...
We got it!
And, then...
I met up with Ji Hae for some dessert.
She asked for water & the guy made sure she wasn't gunna be dehydrated!
I even got a mini-cupcake for Micah. Isn't it cute?
There it is: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
2 comments:
Tears here too...You'll return to SF... I've resolved that two of my best girlfriends will most likely spend most of the lives 3,000 miles away from where I call home (more tears..) Granted, there may be a day that it is I that leaves and puts many more miles between us. Will we be closer or the same distance if we go to China??? Research for another day. Anyway, the last thoughts that remain are: Pretty courthouse, pretty license (yours has a PICTURE!!!) Ours is from Manchester-by-the-sea, our first home together and hopefully our last. And..(one last thought) That chocolate whatever you got looks amazing. Chocolate does make everything better. It turns tears into smiles. I miss you my dear friend, but I will see you soon for something yet again that will evoke both tears and smiles. (man that was a LONG comment..) Love.
If it's any consolation (which I know it's not, but...) I've broken into uncontrollable sobs on countless occasions. It is just so hard to leave SF and break up with the city, the land, the culture, the people. I could go on. But know that from this side of it, it gets better, and you have a wonderful adventure waiting for you when you leave! Can't wait to see you soon and be back in SF!
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