a look at 2012 and a small thought for 2013.

Pacific Ocean at Sunset

Looking back at this past year, parts of it seem like an utter blur. Days became weeks and weeks became months and before I knew it 2012 was over. If I could sum up this year in a word (although it couldn't nearly suffice) it would be Retrospective. This year I finally took the plunge to taking care of myself more deeply, more intentionally. In January, I started therapy. It was for myself, to experience what it was like and to uproot some things from my past and authentically look at how they impact my present. Being in therapy has allowed me to see myself a little more clearly, and to give myself a little more grace, and to tangibly understand how taking care of myself can mean being able to be more present in other relationships as well. Retrospective means looking backward, contemplating past events and situations.

Art sculpture by one of my clients.

This past year I needed to look back in order to move forward.

2012 was also a year of planning adventures, celebrating friendships, witnessing love, creating home, imagining family growth, conquering a triathlon, being spontaneous, and discovering passions.

Cheering on the Oregon Ducks as they defeated Cal.

My word for 2013 is Present, as in to be fully in the moment. To plan, but not too far ahead so not to miss what's happening today. I'm not really making any resolutions this year. I'm continuing my attempt to complete my 30 by 30 list and I'm hoping 2013 is full of letting myself embrace not what is to come, but what is now.

Noticing our humanness, Christmas 2012.

It started at a tree lot.

Micah and I actually went to a Christmas tree lot this year, instead of our usual grab-the-smallest-tree-our-grocery-store-has.

It was a weekday night, a week before Christmas, and the lot had only a handful of other customers. The little trees were up front, but we wandered to the back just to take in the sight of the big ones. They towered above us. I imagined the million dollar houses and fancy building lobbies that those big trees would end up in. They seemed as though they were created for greatness.

As we made our way back to the small trees, we were met by one of the tree lot associates. He was kinda rough around the edges, his sweatshirt worn, his pants dirty. His hair was a little unruly.

He was friendly though and offered his tips on what kind of tree we should get, and whether or not we should get a tree stand. But, as he did, snot streamed down his face. S.t.r.e.a.m.e.d. I tried to look away politely, not wanting to seem rude, but not wanting to look either. I really wished I had had a kleenex to offer him, although he eventually found something that took care of the job.

But, there was something that stood out to me was....he did not seem to care a darn bit. I mean, he was doing his job and colds and snot are probably just a natural part of it. And although I felt a twinge of sadness or maybe it was guilt, or perhaps it was some sense of pity, I also felt inspired. Here was this guy, working with his hands, in the cold, selling trees on an urban corner in San Francisco, with snot running down his face, and he was just doing his thing.

And, we talked and I purchased a tree, and while the interaction was mundane, I think it meant something. And not in a it's the holidays, so let's care about others kind of way, but a we're all human and interacting is something we do way. It's mundane and human interactions don't have to be life-changing, but they can be meaningful when we stop to notice the humanness of another person and the humanness of ourselves.

It started at a tree lot.

It started at a tree lot and has kind of stuck with me.

This noticing of my humanness, of other's humanness.

My client's kid literally speechless and hiding when he saw his Christmas toy: a new bike.

Hard conversations with people I love.

Rubbing my high school friend's pregnant belly.

My neighbor sending me a picture of my cat on Christmas.

Laughing with people I love and sharing food with people I love.

The American Airlines representative who told me he had been cussed out nine times that day.

The girl on the plane with the barking dog.

The homeless man selling the paper Street Sheet and looking him in the eye.

Seeing that our interactions mean that we are living, perhaps not joyfully all the time, but living.

It started at a tree lot.

Birthday in Las Vegas.

This past weekend I celebrated my 29th birthday in Las Vegas. This checked one more item off my 30 by 30 List and it marked the one year countdown to completing that list. It was also my very first trip to Vegas and much needed mini-vacation. But, boy, did we pack a lot into the time we were there!

The first night (my actual birthday) we ate dinner at BLT Burger. Ali (go check out her blog!) and Alberto surprised me with mini red velvet cupcakes for dessert and they were delicious. Afterwards we checked out the volcano show outside of The Mirage Hotel and then made our way back inside for Cirque du Soleil LOVE (the Beetles one). I was literally blown away by how impressive it was. I loved the music, the sets, the costumes, the dancing, the incredible feats of strength. A + A had seen other Cirque du Soleil shows and said it wasn't as acrobatic as others, but I had nothing to compare it to. I loved it! Probably one of my favorite things we did.

After the show, we walked around to a few of the other hotels: The Wynn (played slots for the first time), The Venetian, and The Palazzo. My feet were exhausted after that first night, but it was incredible.

The next morning we started the day off with a champagne brunch at Le Village Buffet at The Paris. We bought the Buffet of Buffets, which basically encourages you to each as much as you can in 24 hours. Brunch was good, particularly the crepe Micah and I split, oh, and the creme brulee, mmm...

Inside The Paris there are little cobblestone streets and the casino area feels more open (like you're outside).

Next up we toured around Caesars Palace and then went to The Bellagio (which might have been my favorite hotel). They have a garden/conservatory that is decorated with changing seasons. All the re-creations are made with flowers and other nature items (like pine cones). They did an incredible job. As you can see from the pictures, it was Christmas themed.

The Eiffel Tower at dusk.

We were hoping to catch the fountain show at the Bellagio, but then it became a little too windy (there was a storm brewing) and one didn't start on schedule, so we bailed. We found a warm spot at a Starbucks. The kind lady even gave me a free water! My feet needed a rest and my body needed some water, so it was the perfect place to recharge (no caffeine even required).

Since we still needed a little more time before our next buffet, we played slots again. I lucked out and got a good machine (it was called Storm). I won a whole $2.30. Striking it rich in Vegas!

Planet Hollywood buffet didn't disappoint. Again, my favorite part, the square of cheesecake at the end (I'm starting to see a pattern). Also, great, we saw a lot of the Miss Universe contestants (eating from the salad bar, of course!) Had they not of had their contestant sashes on, we would have never been able to tell them apart. Tall (check). Really thin (check). Long hair (check).

And after all that eating, we headed down to Old Town Vegas. Basically Gatlinburg (anybody? anybody?) Best part about it, we upped the ante and played roulette. $20 dollars in, $42 dollars out, net gain of $22. I.was.on.fire.

On the last day in Vegas, we took in even more of the sites, including New York, New York, MGM (pictured below not the MGM, but Caesars), and The Luxor. Who knew one could travel the world in just one city.

Overall, Vegas was a ton of fun. Thanks to our tour guides, we got to pretty much see it all. I'm glad to have gone, but I'm not sure that I'm sold on the place. It was overstimulating and I was pretty Vegas-ed out when I left. Let's just say I got my fill for awhile! :)

Now to get crackin' on my List!!

The Official 30 by 30 List.

1. Travel to Europe (completed in March 2013)

2. Be a pescetarian for two consecutive months (completed on 11/2/2012)

3. Join a book club (completed on 10/9/2012)

4. Create a signature healthy snack

5. Make a quilt

6. Create/Join a support group for mental health professionals

7. Spend a weekend with Heather and MK in a different city (completed in June 2012) 

8. Decorate a fancy, tiered cake (completed on 11/30/2013)

9. Go dancing with Micah

10. Attend an Alabama football game (completed on 11/23/2013)

11. Do a mini triathlon or a half-century (completed on 6/16/2012)

12. Get close to completing my clinical house for my LCSW (maybe 2500?) (completed in Nov 2013)

13. Take couple pictures with Micah (completed AFTER - on 12/8/2013)

14. Host a dinner party

15. Spend a weekend in Las Vegas with Ali and Alberto (completed in December 2012)

16. Go camping with Micah (completed in July & October 2012)

17. Get a massage (completed in June 2013 & Dec 2013)

18. Visit Lake Tahoe (completed in June 2013)

19. Attend a foster care orientation meeting

20. Volunteer at an organization I care about (completed throughout 2012 & 2013)

21. Send a random gift to a friend (completed in October 2013)

22. Sell an item on etsy

23. Find a plant that I can keep alive (for a least 6 months) (completed on 2/4/2013)

24. Plan and make a 5-course meal (completed on 9/2/2013)

25. Sign up for a CSA box (completed in April 2013)

26. Take a mental health day and see a movie by myself

27. Write a poem

28. Donate blood

29. Run Bay to Breakers (completed on 5/19/2013)

30. Celebrate my 30th birthday in style (completed on 12/1/2013)

On being a Pescetarian for 2 months.

In the beginning of this year I created a 30 by 30 list (30 things that I want to accomplish before turning 30). For me, this decision was about stretching myself to incorporate different experiences into my life and being intentional with goals (big and small) that I have.

One of the things on my list was to be a pescetarian for 2 months.

There were a couple reasons I wanted to give pescetarianism a try. First, I wanted to detox a little from the meat products that I intake and increase the amount of vegetables I eat. Second, I wanted to challenge myself to try something that I knew would be difficult for me. Because, I'll be honest, I like the taste of chicken tikka masala and a hamburger and lentil and sausage soup. And, third, I wanted an excuse to explore seafood a little bit more and take advantage of the plethora of seafood options living by the ocean brings.

Things that I learned about myself while being a pescetarian for 2 months, in no particular order:

                     1. Seafood is often a more expensive protein option, but it's also a very tasty one.
                     2. After a few meals of eating tofu, my stomach sometimes hurt.
                     3. I do not need to each meat that much.
                     4. There were times that I really craved eating meat.
                     5. Some non-meat "meat" alternatives are tasty (e.g. Morning Start sausage patties) and
                         others are not (e.g. Litelife sausage links - yuck!).
                     6. I felt awkward telling other people that I was being pescetarian, because I did not want
                         others to feel inconvenienced by my own dietary decisions (whether or not they felt
                         that way).
                     7. Sushi is SO good, and I should have eaten it more than once during my two month
                         stint as a pescetarian.

Wrapping up, I'm glad I did it and I want to incorporate the things I learned about myself into my eating habits moving forward.

Lake Pend Oreille, Idaho

This summer has been a whirlwind of visiting new places, hanging out with family and friends, and trying to stay semi-caught up with work and life in the midst of all the traveling. It has been good and it has been exhausting, and it is not over yet.

A little over a week ago, we went camping in Idaho for Micah's family reunion. His family has a week long reunion every four years. They pick different places each time and it is a huge gathering of around 75+ people. This was my second family reunion and my first time in Idaho.

Lake Pend Oreille is a massive lake, spanning 65 miles long and some parts are over 1,000 feet deep. The military actually uses the lake for submarine research because it is so deep! It's beautiful and I didn't even see more than the small area where we were located.

I turned my phone on only 1 time during the 4 days that we were there and it was spectacular. I didn't check my email, or look at facebook, or respond to text messages. I was completely unplugged and it was gloriously liberating. I need to do this more often, for no other reason than it feels good to "go rogue" from being overly connected.

Friday was whitewater rafting day. We were on the Clark Fork River in Montana (another first time for me in another state). The river was a blast and I only almost fell out of the raft once, so I consider it a rafting success. That shake below is Huckleberry, which I guess is all the rage in the montana/idaho area. We indulged in them on our two and a half hour trek back to Idaho after rafting. It was well worth the pit stop.

Camping would not be camping if s'mores were not involved. And, boy, were they involved. I am now informed that they make marshmallows in every shape and size in an effort to improve the s'more equation. But, the classic marshmallow is the perfect amount of marshmallow to chocolate to graham cracker ratio. Don't mess with success, folks.

A family reunion of 75+ people feels very intimidating to an introvert like me, but Micah's family is so incredibly understanding and welcoming. Slowly, I am becoming more and more comfortable with his outgoing extended family. And, I think it will just get better over time.

Heather + Tyson

The wedding locale was absolutely beautiful. It was on the property at The Hawk and Ivy bed and breakfast. And although I would be hesitant to recommend the b&b (due to the quirkiness of its owners), the property is incredible.

The old tobacco barn has been redone and is so cute with all its strung lights and country feel.

Seriously, this place is insane! Obviously my phone doesn't do it justice, but you can get an idea of how awesome it is.

The night before, at the rehearsal dinner, there was a time to toast the soon-to-be newlyweds. I couldn't pull myself together enough to make one, but as I sat there taking in everyone's sincere and heartfelt words of love and encouragement, I couldn't help but smile, inside and out, for how excited I am to see Heather and Tyson journey together as a couple in this life.

Heather is my kindred spirit. Our friendship has seen us through some of life's tougher times and I am so grateful for that. We have always been able to have the deep conversations, no matter how much time has lapsed. I know I can share anything with her, even if it's that I disagree. But mainly we are kindred spirits because we can share that life is hard and life is ugly sometimes and yet still remind one another that in the day-to-day grime there is beauty and there is love, and it is worth it.

Heather, your joy on your wedding day was absolutely infectious. You were truly a radiant bride. I couldn't be any happier for you that you have found someone that makes you smile, that gets lost in conversation with you, and that I'm sure indulges your "would you rather" and "what if" games. Love each other well, as the connection you have is beautiful. I'm excited to get to know him more as the years go by. I'm excited to see where the wind takes the two of you, together.

After the ceremony and after some picture taking, it poured rain, hail storm and all.
And then it was over in 5 minutes.
And there was a little cool relief from the heat.
Somewhere in there is a metaphor for marriage.

Oh happy times!

Fortunately for everyone, I don't have video prove of the dance that was performed so elegantly by yours truly, Heather, MK, and Hava (Heather's twin sister). But, to give you an idea of the dance concept, you can watch THIS video.

And, I end on this note. Because this is Heather + Tyson. And this is love.